top of page

Is It Love or Trauma Bonding?

Relationships can be complicated and unclear, leaving us wondering if we're genuinely in love or caught in a web of complex emotions. Honestly, who hasn't second-guessed their romantic choices at some point?

What is Love, Anyway?

At its core, love is an enduring affection, appreciation, and attachment towards someone. It's the feeling that prompts you to pick up your partner's favorite snack on the way home or the joy that bubbles up when they walk into a room. True love is built on mutual respect, understanding, and trust.

love or trauma bonding

Trauma Bonding: The Not-So-Fun Twin

On the flip side, trauma bonding is like love's evil twin. In the simplest terms, trauma bonding happens when a bond forms between people based on shared intense emotional experiences, often negative ones.

Imagine this: You meet someone and as you get to chatting, you both discover you've recently come out of hurtful relationships. As you two hang out more, your conversations often veer into discussing the pain and betrayals of your exes. You feel a profound connection, but it's largely centered on shared heartbreaks rather than new, joyous experiences or mutual interests in the present. You might think it's love because of the deep emotional intimacy, but this foundation built on shared past pain, rather than a forward-looking mutual connection, is a classic sign of trauma bonding.

Trauma bonds can also be the result of abusive relationships, where one person is subjected to intermittent reinforcement – a mix of love and kindness followed by hurt and neglect. This rollercoaster of emotions can make one feel hopelessly attached, confusing the attachment with genuine love.

Imagine this: You're in a relationship where one day you're showered with affection, surprise gifts, and words that make you feel cherished. But suddenly, things shift. Your partner becomes cold, maybe even critical, ignoring you or belittling you in front of others. Just as you begin to question everything, they come back with an apology, blaming their behavior on external stressors and promising change. This unpredictable cycle, where hurtful moments are interspersed with loving gestures, makes you question what's real. The highs of love followed by the lows of neglect can make you feel hopelessly attached, making it difficult to differentiate between a traumatic bond and genuine love.

love or trauma bonding

How To Tell The Difference Between Love and Trauma Bonding

When in love, it's often hard to see the forest for the trees. But there are certain markers that can help differentiate genuine love from trauma bonding. Let's dive into them:

1. Intensity Over Authenticity:

Relationships have their moments of passion and intensity. However, if every interaction feels like an emotional rollercoaster, it's cause for concern.

Authentic love is a stable feeling that grows steadily over time, built on mutual respect and understanding. If your relationship is dominated by wild swings of emotions without any sense of stability, you might be in a trauma bond. This kind of bond thrives on chaotic emotions, unlike true love, which finds strength in calm and consistency.

2. Walking on Eggshells:

If you find yourself constantly tip-toeing around your partner's moods, anxious about their reactions to everyday situations, it's not a healthy sign.

Genuine love creates an environment where both partners feel safe to express themselves without the fear of reprisal or extreme reactions. If you're constantly in fear of upsetting your partner or facing unpredictable reactions, it indicates a lack of mutual respect and understanding.

3. Isolation

Love should expand your world, not limit it. If you're distancing from your loved ones and giving up on things you love, it's a red flag.

True love supports individual growth and encourages connections outside the relationship. If your partner's presence or demands are making you distance yourself from friends, family, or personal interests, you might be experiencing control rather than care.

4. Confusion:

Doubts are natural in any relationship but if you're perpetually unsure about the foundation of your bond, it's indicative of deeper issues.

Love, in its most genuine form, provides a sense of certainty and calm. Yes, every relationship faces its challenges, but the overall feeling should be one of security and clarity. If you're continuously questioning the nature of your bond or feel obligated to stay rather than wanting to, it might not be true love.


Love is a beautiful journey, filled with its share of bumps and detours. And while it might be tempting to romanticize the notion of "us against the world," it's crucial to discern between a bond formed out of mutual love and one forged in trauma. Your emotional well-being deserves nothing but the best.

Healthy love uplifts and nourishes. Be kind to yourself, and may your journey in understanding be filled with clarity and self-compassion. If you sense that you may be stuck in a trauma bond, kindly reach out to us for therapy at or Tel: 786-490-5988 to book your session.


bottom of page